5am Stress Relief

13 11 2012

Get your minds out of the gutter. I know what you were thinking from that title.

I’m still awake. It’s 5:05am on Tuesday the 13th of November 2012. Despite having popped two 20mg tabs of Amitriptyline 7 hours ago I am awake now as I was then.

The events of the last few days have taken their toll on me in a less than subtle way.

The lack of gym from feeling despondent and shitty has resulted in whatever good work I accrued from the last few weeks of going has been destroyed, and signing up for the gym again at this stage is a financial luxury I can’t really afford.

My nocturnal sleeping habits have returned with a vengeance. My doc thinks its too much stimuli and anxiety when I’m going in bed. In this case, he may be right. Maybe I need something stronger.

The real tell of the stress though is my nails, I haven’t bitten my nails in almost 5 years and I looked at them them today and they were mangled down to nothing.

I dunno, I’ve been having doubts about acting the last few days too. I know it’s a knock on affect of everything that’s happened lately but I can’t shake the feeling of have I left it too late? I look at my old classmates in comparison to where they are in their respective careers. Two of them are making decent headway, another one might but I don’t speak to her often enough to know and all the rest have gone into branching careers and I’m still doing the same shit I was when I was 16. Takes the wind out of your sails a little bit.

Maybe I’ll just sell every thing I own and travel the world like Cane and try and help people. Who knows, I might even find my calling at some point before I hit 40. I’d like to but given my luck of the last few years..

Anyway I guess I’ll try and sleep. Maybe take another two tabs.

Kal x

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