5am Stress Relief

13 11 2012

Get your minds out of the gutter. I know what you were thinking from that title.

I’m still awake. It’s 5:05am on Tuesday the 13th of November 2012. Despite having popped two 20mg tabs of Amitriptyline 7 hours ago I am awake now as I was then.

The events of the last few days have taken their toll on me in a less than subtle way.

The lack of gym from feeling despondent and shitty has resulted in whatever good work I accrued from the last few weeks of going has been destroyed, and signing up for the gym again at this stage is a financial luxury I can’t really afford.

My nocturnal sleeping habits have returned with a vengeance. My doc thinks its too much stimuli and anxiety when I’m going in bed. In this case, he may be right. Maybe I need something stronger.

The real tell of the stress though is my nails, I haven’t bitten my nails in almost 5 years and I looked at them them today and they were mangled down to nothing.

I dunno, I’ve been having doubts about acting the last few days too. I know it’s a knock on affect of everything that’s happened lately but I can’t shake the feeling of have I left it too late? I look at my old classmates in comparison to where they are in their respective careers. Two of them are making decent headway, another one might but I don’t speak to her often enough to know and all the rest have gone into branching careers and I’m still doing the same shit I was when I was 16. Takes the wind out of your sails a little bit.

Maybe I’ll just sell every thing I own and travel the world like Cane and try and help people. Who knows, I might even find my calling at some point before I hit 40. I’d like to but given my luck of the last few years..

Anyway I guess I’ll try and sleep. Maybe take another two tabs.

Kal x


“Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know”

11 11 2012

If we take Hemingway’s theory here and apply it in this instance than by his logic I’m a freaking genius.

I look a the post I wrote but a few weeks ago about clouds having silver linings and it amazes me at how things can so quickly crumble.

So as I had mentioned previously I was chasing my previous job for the wages they owed me and I was meant to be getting some money by the second Friday of November which would have sorted me out completely. In the mean time I had nothing to start off with so I borrowed money from my sister to keep me going for the first few weeks until this money came in. As it got closer to the Friday I became acutely aware that I’d not heard anything yet and it turns out they couldn’t pay anyway. I asked my brother to extend the existing loan I had with him as the guarantor which he wasn’t willing to do understandably. And then having explained the situation to them at work they said there was very little point in my being trained for a role that I wasn’t going to be able to do in a few days due to lack of money and not being able to get into work. So on Wednesday I had my last day for a job that I had been doing for a week! Thankfully they were sympathetic of the situation and said that once I’m back on my feet to get in touch and if they still have space on the team, I can rejoin them, so that’s something I guess.

But there you have it, I left London on Friday, for the 2nd time in the space of 18 months and it feels shitty. Mainly down to the conduct of one man who I thought I called a friend but instead in 6 weeks tore down everything I had worked so hard for since the beginning of the year. This year was meant to be mine, and up until now it had been. I’m going to start pursuing him down the legal route to get those wages back and hopefully they’ll be able to be claimed back before my trip to Japan which come hell or high water I will be on that flight. My focus for the next few months will be to save as much money as possible for that trip so don’t be offended if you don’t see that much of me for a while as every penny I can spare will go into that pot. But feel free to come to Oxford or Bicester and I’ll be happy to meet you.

Well I better get back to job hunting. If anyone out there knows of a job in Bicester or Oxford that I can do, than get in touch.

Kal x