“Endure Master Wayne….”

9 10 2011

Todays post is very much-needed as I need to let off some steam.

I didn’t get a winks sleep last night, and I’m paying for it today. I’m feeling a lot of stress about my situation.

For those unaware of my situation let me enlighten you.

I lived a VERY frivolous and excessive life during uni evidenced by the number of parties, women, clubs etc etc that I went through. As a result I was spending a helluva lot more above my pay grade. A technicality for which I am paying for now. It wasn’t so bad while I was living in Southampton for the 2 years after I graduated from uni. I worked a steady job which allowed me enough money to pay off my debts and maintain some semblance of social life as long as I was conservative with my  partying. And it worked to a great extent. When the tenancy for the flat I was living in at the time with my best friends Dan and Pat came up for renewal we all took a little stock of our lives and decided that maybe it was time to leave the comfortable next that we had made our university home. Acting was and still is my primary focus so i decided to take the plunge and move to London to chase the dream. Dan was going to stay on in Southampton as he’d made a good circle of friends outside of me and Pat through his work and he didn’t want to give that up yet which I can understand, and Pat was originally going to move with me but alas circumstances changed and I ended up going to London by myself. Luckily for me, another old uni friend had a room available in her house at the same time as I was going to move up so things worked out pretty well considering. I was dreading the thought of moving in with randoms!!

So July 2010 I picked up and moved to the big smoke. I was fully prepared for the extra financial burden I was placing myself under by moving there. My continual debt repayment, added to the extra amount I was going to be paying in rent and then factor in the travel cost for the tube and what not and I was looking at a very meager existence at best. But the key thing I kept reminding myself of was that I was there to pursue acting and London would afford me the best opportunity to do it. Obviously I had to work during this time and my then job were gracious enough to let me transfer to a branch in London. This worked out well for a while, but slowly the commute was starting to drain me. Travelling over an hour to get to work in the morning, being on my feet all day and then huffing massive boxes up and down stairs to wait another hour and a half to get home again. It left me with very little time and even less energy to look for acting work let alone go out and audition for things! I was then offered another job and I initially took it thinking that I was going to be on a lot more money for a job that I was fairly familiar with how to do already. Little did I know that my biggest problems were about to start.

The job started out simple enough, same old things I was used to. The people were fun and generally made me feel welcome and it was good to be working alongside some old friends. Things started to turn sour very quickly however when I realised that the money that I had initially thought I was going to be making wasn’t a real possibility due to targets being set so high they became unobtainable and in effect hit my pay packet. Over the following months, my social life came to a standstill, going out was a thing of the past, my diet steadily got worse to the point where for a 6 week stretch I was living on 15p noodles and I’m ashamed to say that occasionally I did shoplift just to have something to eat. The rest of the time I ate by the grace of friends inviting me over for dinner and family who sent care packages occasionally and constantly borrowing money from a friend. Public transport was a daily challenge to see if I could ride the bus all the way to work without being caught by the ticket inspector.

This continued for a few months until I finally started to get things back on track but by that point it was too little too late unfortunately. My money situation had disintegrated into become a hobo in London or move back to Bicester and live in a house where I have to pretend to be someone I’m not. I chose the latter but it was a close call. At home, I have a brother who I don’t get on with because he feels somehow I’ve done wrong by him by studying and going to uni and he stayed at home after messing up his grades at college. He’s also 4 years older than. After having plenty of opportunity to go back and try again he’s decided to blame his failing to get anywhere in his life on me. I have a mother who is constantly wailing, yes I mean wailing, full on religious zealousy, to god about how her youngest son (me) could have gone so far astray from all the profound teachings of Islam they taught me. Free will and choice weren’t great ideas in the household where I grew up. I am still working for the same company as I was in London however I don’t envision this lasting.

So that’s my situation as it stands. There’s more than just this brief nutshell I’ve given you but there’s always another day. Everyday I go to work in a job where I’m not happy and come home to isolation from a family that doesn’t understand me nor does it want to make any attempt to even try to get to know me.

Today really has been one of those days where I would be happy to see the world burn….

Kal

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2 responses

9 10 2011
DahlFace

To a certain extent, I understand how your brother feels…
…but he shouldn’t blame you for him not having the drive to do something for himself.

Only thing I can say is wait it out.
It feels shit, yea, but it’s better than being UBER poor and drinking your own piss for sustenance.
It’s only a few months until you’re back, any ways.
…and if you ever want to vent, you know where I am.

I’ve had the ‘you’re the child of Satan’ lecture and I’ve had the entire family ignore/exclude me because they don’t get me/my lifestyle choices.
…but it only made me more determined to sort myself out.
…and of course, it’s going to make you want to get the fuck out of there, so, just wait it out, and keep focussed on the dream.
x

22 12 2011
“The People vs The Policy, My dilemma in the workplace…” « Not Exactly One A Day…

[…] survive. This is repetition at  this stage and you can read more about it in my previous post: “Endure Master Wayne….” A letter written to a much higher up “decision maker” in the company yielded no […]

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